Faith is not easy at all. Fear has been consuming me for the past week, and until the next week. This dread that dwells in me makes me think, I'd so exchange with anyone's life JUST FOR A WEEK, just so I can escape this.


I try to trick myself into being confident, but wise words fail. I run away from fear, but my mind doesn't know how.


Doubt engulfs me. Seven more days.

I am not a very smart person. Not at all stupid, but essentially not the intelligent, academic, Nobel prize-winning type. My IQ was more or less 100 when I last checked some 4 years ago.


Anyway, an IQ of 100 is enough to get you to pass a four year degree with no major problems, occasionally getting a high score on tests, but mostly just hanging on or crawling to the passing grade.

But a 100 IQ will not be able to be chosen as a leader for groups on case studies, and singlehandedly speaking in front of the University President and members of the Commission of Higher Education about her half-heartedly done thesis by joining the Annual Research Paper Contest.

This was not done on purpose, but I don't know how I made authorities think I'm such a smarty-pants. I never pretended to look and sound smarter than what I am.


And that's the bitter part. They look up to you expecting to pull an Einstein, beating your intelligence out, choosing you to do this because they think it's easy for you to do.



Please stop expecting a girl with an IQ of a mere 100 to be able to calmly and sanely defend her thesis in front of darn scary big times.



Dear God. I am scared, and this is all happening in my brain. Somehow, if You could work out a miracle, then maybe on that day I wouldn't be scared out my guts. And if I weren't so scared out of my guts, then things would just go smoothly.

Hi.


In my previous blog I wrote that I liked this movie called DORIAN GRAY.


He forced me with that persuasive look...


Also. Another great movie I would highly recommend but never really wrote about is PERFUME.


Now you know. Have any more movie suggestions?

We had our recollection/retreat just yesterday and today. It's been so long since I WAS THIS GLAD TO BE HOME. My pa's not in Cebu, my brothers are out so no one could pick me up, and I had to queue a long time for a taxi. Ugh!

But nothing bad actually happened during the retreat, it was just mostly boring. Catholicism is not for me, I can attest to that. But since my spiritual life had been a desert for the past few years, the few times I went to mass was like a cactus slashed to pour its water out to the thirsty sand. As if it sufficed.


The retreat place initially reminded me of the mental institution in the Leonardo diCap movie, Shutter Island. It was also a place to house patients, but more homey and long-term compared to a hospital. But after staying a few hours, I thought, "Eh, this is kinda like the dorms in Hana Kimi. Except the show is more fun a hundredfold."


Since this was a recollection, and dissecting the words re and collection, there were activities about thanking each and every person about the things done for the past four years. This was kinda nerve wracking for me in a minor way. But basically it was all just, "thanks for the friendships, memories, etc.."


But the funniest thing, and most unforgettable, was what Joan Original always says about me that I'm "like a turtle". Just chillin' and not in a hurry about anything, minding my own business. And I'm glad to discover I'm like that...


Additionally, there was another BULGARAN session, which is really freakin uncomfortable if you're the subject. ( What subject? )

Updated Booklist.
I watched this reaaaalllly cool movie, Dorian Gray and instantly fell in love with the story. So earlier I went and bought the book, which was pretty expensive darn it! And, fell in love with Ben Barnes also... (you know, that guy from PRINCE CASPIAN!)



Ah.. abrupt end of entry my brain just paralyzes when I see Ben Barnes... but still kinda disturbed though.

I notice it's during the late night or early morning that I get to chat meaningfully with others.


Is there something about the time, or the dark that eases us into talking freely? Perhaps that feeling you get of being alone with the other person makes you more likely to open up?

If this is so, then is it worth investing my time (assuming I'm not busy the day after) to converse with others digitally? What great the difference of actually listening to someone's voice with just reading text and conjuring up someone else's expression yourself...


Oh shoot there's this research that kids who stay up beyond their bedtime develop depression later in life. Living in the Internet generation really bytes bites.

What do humans like to do when something goes wrong? Blame other people.


So I keep blaming the other person "she doesn't work hard enough, that's why this is all falling apart blah blargh"


and the end to this story is so predictable.

Yep it's my fault.


And even if I give all my effort, that's not going to be enough. And it's terrible that if someone else exerted just a little effort, that's going to be MORE THAN ENOUGH.


I HATE IT!!!!

Read my previous entry if you want to completely understand. Or if you just pity me and increase my blog views, go ahead.


BUT OMG what the photo says is so true. From Postsecret.

Imagine if there were a gun to your head, and you were asked to mutilate, kill, torture this, say acquaintance or the stranger right in front of you.

What would you do?

My answer would be:

Well, I am a person of sane mental state and I would never, even with a gun to my head, ever bring myself the guts to take the life of another. And since I am a Christian, I know where I go after I die. Death does not cause me to shiver in fear. Go ahead, pull the trigger and spare that stranger his life. And make sure my heroic act gets on the front page tomorrow.

Oh, listen to my righteousness. If I think like this, young and innocent as I am, why can't wiser men out there make the same choice?


And no later than 5 seconds did the answer hit me.

Some men fear death not because they merely want to hold on to their lives. But because their death may cause more pain to their loved ones than what they're going through.

This death means a sudden end to the job that earns the money to send the kids to school. To keep the food on the table. To have Noche Buena while opening the gifts. To check in the high end hotel with the hot secretary.

And then I realized, the fear of death that renders them vulnerable is not because of cowardice, but because they think first of others.

Then it sinks in that I am adamant about death only because of my self-centeredness and immaturity. Death to me is just an escape from the carnal world, and I don't mind taking it. (And why does the word centeredness get red squiggly lines under it while I type? It's a real word, isn't it?)


Perhaps, if I get mature, have someone to depend and trust on me, I might be able to fear my life dissolve. There might be something in this world I've got to give that I can't afford to die just yet. Something I would kill a stranger for.



My ironic situation of immaturity.


OK LA, it's Christmastime by the way and this blog doesn't have any "Jesus loves you" in it or whatever.

Should I end this entry like this? It was getting so good.


Screenshots are from Morgan Freeman's movie, Se7en which I just watched before writing the entry. Highly recommended.

Last Saturday on the 18th, me and a few friends did this mini outreach where we chip in and buy food products to give away in goodie bags to unfortunate people around town.


Now, they've had experience last year on Christmas they gave a gift bag to one person, and another bum saw it and so did many others. They somehow barricaded the car and went berserk. Not quite sure about this story but seems realistic nonetheless.

So this year, we chose the people we gave gifts to, making sure they were alone and not surrounded by zombie-like others. It's sad I know, when God gives gifts He doesn't choose because you are worthy of it or anything; He blesses no matter how undeserving.

But what on earth, when people go berserk, they can't physically surround God and trap him so He does whatever He wants haha. Half-kidding.

During the experience, it was the only time in my life when I wanted a beggar to knock on the window of the vehicle. But there were none.


Allie drove up to Busay where it's the province and people live simple lives. That's the part where we gave out most gifts. The car would stop, and we'd open a window and greet, "Hi! We have a gift for you!"

And then the receiver would initially be shocked, surprised, or puzzled or all. One or two literally scratched their heads in confusion. They all had second thoughts whether they should get the bag or not. Is this a modus? Who's trying to kill me? Darn these city kids planning to asking for directions..

But after establishing a little trust on us, they'd receive it with the most sincere smile. It's what completes the night.

Smiling is an effortless thing to do, but seeing that you've put it on a stranger, gives Christmas much more meaning for its mundanity.


I walked by Robinson's yesterday where there were kids on the streets who asked for spare change. I had none to give. And it feels terrible sometimes that I just walk past them not thinking one bit of how they're living on the edge while I concern myself about which eat-all-you-can restaurant is the best.

And I'd give them goodie bags anytime on the condition that (1) I won't attract every other beggar on the district and (2) they won't monkey-bar on me.

Our pastor once said, It is not a sin to beg, but it is a sin to withhold. Coz we Christians, too, beg our Heavenly Father for His blessings.

From your heart, give your best. Give unto God and you will be blessed. Don't be stingy and don't be tight. Learn from the widow in the Bible who gave her last dime.

Give to the Lord by Ron Kenoly

Christmas time is definitely my favorite time of the year. And fortunately, this year's Christmas is so far... great.

It was just the beginning of the month when there were lights being put up around the neighborhood. Tune into the radio and hear Christmas jingles, walk around the malls and see discounted Christmas trees. And everyone seems to be greeting each other Merry Christmases already!


A few years back when I was into photography, one thing I always liked (and still do) are bokeh. When we're out for a drive at night, I simply cross my eyes and every light coming from street lamps and cars turn into blurry balls of color.


photo by Affect the World, "the city bokeh".

You'll definitely look retarded if you ask me but no one looks at you anyway and it's dark. And what with all the Christmas lights all over, it's so beautiful!!


This I believe makes my heart warm and fuzzy inside. SQUEEEEEE



Continuing on about the holidays, the day after our college Christmas party (/thinks about the food yummm), we headed to Portofino Beach Resort with most of my college classmates. It's our last Christmas break together!

Imagine next year when we've graduated and got jobs or reviewing for the board exam, there will be NO Christmas break coz we're not students anymore. Friday nights won't be as relaxing anymore (as if it really was) coz... duty calls.

And so I'm really thankful we did this beach outing. As a whole class, we naturally go and have fun with our own barkada but this time we had fun as one.

And something I have to be so grateful about is how God gives me His protection whenever I drive. Every time I get into the driver's seat and zoom off into the road is an opportunity for me and ESPECIALLY MY PASSENGERS to be killed or seriously injured. I am that BAD a driver sometimes I look for the chance NOT to drive.

Additionally, the difference between high school and college friends is amusing.

High School friends	College friends
Take a hitch	Be the driver
Everyone puts sunblock	Be one of the few who puts sunblock
All females wear swimsuit	Feel naked in swimwear
Drink as much alcohol	Smell cigarettes
Speak English to most	Bisdak all the way

The group is totally different but I enjoy being with them equally!


So.. before graduation let's have more fun again, shall we? And be more careful lest we die before we graduate. T.T


Skype last night with funny friend Mikko. /facepalm


"Please help me buy Christmas gifts, okay?!"